My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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