The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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