It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I look better un-naked...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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