it hurts more in the daytime
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
