Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
