Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
