Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
