It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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