I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
