I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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