Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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