Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
