So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
