If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
