I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
