I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
