I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
