Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
