WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
