I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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