If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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