he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
