We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
