why didn't you poke me back
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
