This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
