What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
