Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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