Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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