An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
