Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
