i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
