I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
