It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
