So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
