tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
