my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
