i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
