Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
