Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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