If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I have already put on my inside pants.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
