apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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