So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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