i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
