he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
They took my balls.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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