I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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