I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You were trust falling into bushes
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
