this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
