shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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