you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
