Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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