I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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