There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
